DIETARY FREEDOM.

Here I am again. Not ready for the contest that is in a few short weeks...but you know what? IGAF (indirect translation: I don't give a hoot...) As I mentioned in my last post, I am totally happy with my body and my diet for maybe the first time in my life.

It is so incredibly freeing to feel like food doesn't control me. Do I have a six-pack? Well, yes...but you can't see it. And I am cool with it...because I feel really healthy. I have energy. I get to enjoy eating with friends and family. I don't feel like I have to say no to treats. I don't schedule my meals to be every two hours...because my life is not scheduled in 2 hour increments. My meals actually feel like meals...which is actually far more satiating, regardless of calories.

Does that mean I eat whatever and whenever I want to? Nope. Sometimes I still say no to treats because I still have goals. I listen to my body better and I know pretty well what foods I should avoid...because, even though I don't think anyone should label foods as 'good' or 'bad' foods...there are foods that are bad FOR ME.

Trigger foods. Foods that are catalysts to bad dietary decisions. Foods that trigger an emotional response (that for me can turn very quickly into binging).  I try to be careful with those foods. I do my best not to indulge in them if I am having a bad day.  They are foods that I probably shouldn't keep in my house (but I am human...and sometimes I fall prey to the temptation...or I shop hungry and I make more unhealthy decisions).  Trigger foods are not the same for everyone.

Food is not the enemy. Food is a thing. Food is food. Sometimes fuel for just living day to day. Sometimes fuel for intense exercise. Sometimes fuel for the soul. 

I work with men and women who somewhere along the line developed a misunderstanding of what food is and what it can do FOR them. Eating has been so demonized in so many ways. 'Too much fat will make you fat'. 'Sugar will give you diabetes'. 'Bread is bad for you'. 'GMO will give you cancer'. 'If you can't pronounce the ingredient, don't eat it'. BLAH BLAH BLAH. It is CONFUSING.

Nutrition does not need to be confusing. YES. There is some validity in many of those statements...but people don't know why or under what circumstances the statements are valid...so starts the pattern of eating no fat, no sugar, no bread, no gmo food, nothing processed, and whatever other stupid thing that is trending. If you cut those things out...what is left? Ah. You have the internet's permission to drink water. ALLLL the water.  And veggies. And grass fed-free range meat. Unless you are 'ethical'. Then no meat...#vegan #whatthehealth (ALSO BULLSHIT). SO veggies and water #ftw.

Good luck ever feeling satisfied...or remotely happy when all you tell yourself you should be eating is cardboard washed down with a glass of water. GUYS YOU CAN'T DO THIS...seriously. What happens on the weekends after you've managed to stick to it all week? You eat every single thing. EVERY. SINGLE. THING. And then you feel guilt. And so you smother the feeling by eating more. RIGHT? But Monday rolls around and you can 'be good' again. THIS IS NOT DIETARY FREEDOM. It is a prison and the guards look a lot like a box of doughnuts.

And you know what? I have fallen for nearly [every. single. one.] of these trends. I have tried them all. And there are things that I have learned from trying them. BUT none of them worked. ZERO of them offered me the balance that I needed to have dietary freedom. I never felt in control of food or my ability to choose, until I let go of the 'rules'.

The only rule I have now is this: I DECIDE TO EAT. I decide to eat fresh veggies. I decide to eat fruit. I decide to drink soda. I decide to eat cookies. I decide to eat ice cream. I decide to have a diet soda. WHATEVER. As long as I am aware of my choices and take two seconds to be mindful about my choices I HAVE THE CONTROL. And I choose better. And sometimes I choose to feel a little extra full because I went out and had a burger and it put my calories up by 500 or whatever. IT WAS MY CHOICE. It might slow down some weight loss...I might even gain a pound (but I will know that before making the decision...and I know that I have nobody and nothing to blame for enjoying myself...and I can always choose to eat half of the burger or get no burger and visit...because I DECIDE).

This is how I approach nutrition with my clients. NO QUICK FIX.  I want my clients to learn how to adjust perspectives and trust that they know themselves better than anyone else ever will.  Dietary guidance is secondary.

If you want to change, you have to believe that you have the ability to change and be empowered to take control of the one thing you can...YOUR CHOICES.


I will do an actual contest prep update sometime...because it's still a goal;) Just not one that I am willing to sacrifice balance and happiness for.

Stress, Boredom, and Emotional Eating.

I have realized over the past year that I am not the exception to emotional eating. I used to be one who would NOT eat when I was feeling upset, but since I started competing, food has become more of a comfort to me when I am feeling low than ever before. There are lots of days that I feel like I am very close to being in full-blown disordered eating (eating disorders are not exclusive to a caloric defecit or purging...binge eating is also considered disordered eating).

After my last show, this has been the biggest challenge for me. I binge...and when I binge I binge like there is no tomorrow. I eat until I feel ill, and then I eat more. I am not entirely sure why I do it, but I am completely aware of it from the second the binge starts. I know what I am doing. I want to stop, but I can't. It has been almost 8 months since I was on stage, and for probably 2-3 months I was close to 20 lb. over my stage weight. NOT a healthy 20 lb. More like a 'I'm gonna eat straight junk (whole packages of oreos, party size bags of tootsie pops, tootsie rolls, and dots, whole boxes of pop tarts, etc.). And I have not felt good about myself. I have been uncomfortable in my clothes and in my own skin.

I do consider myself lucky to have only peaked at 20 lb. over stage weight with the way I was eating (but in a way I would attribute it not entirely to luck, but partially to awareness and knowledge...and guilt...). If I were not aware of the damage I was doing and let it take complete control of me, I would be far worse off. I don't feel like I have completely destroyed my metabolic capacity (although, leaning out has already proven to be more difficult this year than last). For this, I really think I am lucky.

Over the past couple of months I have started to come to the realization that a lot of my binges came from emotional stresses and boredom: a very poisonous combination. I get stressed and then I have too much time to wallow in my stresses...and fill them with comfort food. And it works...until the next morning when I wake up and regret what I did...by midafternoon the cycle is in repeat because the guilt and regret only adds to the stress that was already there. It takes an immense amount of energy to battle the desire to turn to comfort food...and sometimes I actually do put in the effort. And sometimes I don't.

I was planning on blogging and vlogging my contest prep leading up to a competition that was only two days ago. I gave up. I let myself binge too many times, and then I let myself believe that I couldn't do it. I went to watch the show to support some friends who were competing, and it was a blast! But, I wasn't on stage...and really, I am okay with it. I want to make sure that I am really ready to start preparing for a competition before I commit to one. I want to make sure that I feel mentally ready even more than I might feel physically ready.

I think I am getting close, but there are days that just hammer me. They make me feel like giving up and just letting everything crash. Today has been one of those days. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I keep thinking about the bottle of jelly beans in my car trunk...but I want to be strong today, so I decided to write a post. One that I am sure many people can relate to...or at least that is what I want to believe.

If there is any real advice I think I could offer to anyone who might be faced with the challenge of binging or emotional eating, it would be this: don't try to do it alone. Talk to a friend or a counselor about it. Talk to me about it :) I am happy to share my experiences :)