Before, After, After-after...

*Preface*
This will be a long post, but it's an overview of what this whole season has been like for me:) If you want to know anything else about the season, ask! I am sure I'll left things out:)

I've been a little bit MIA lately. On top of competition prep(s), I started a new job a few months ago and have also been in the process of buying a home with my husband...all in all, my brain and priorities have been elsewhere. But, I thought I would throw out a new post:) Just a little updater:

I FINALLY got myself into a good place to be in competition prep around the middle of April; however, it turned out to be a bit of a crunch when my eight week prep turned into a six-week prep (I thought my show was going to be later than it actually was). This turned out to be the shortest prep I have ever done. It was a little bit stressful, but I managed to get on stage feeling pretty good, especially for such a short prep:

June 6. 2015 NPC Utah

This was definitely the least conditioned I have been for a show, but I placed and it turned out to be a good 'warm up' show for the rest of the summer. A few things that were different during this prep:

• no more than 20 minutes/day x5 days of cardio (and really, that much was probably only the last three weeks or so)
• lower caloric intake (averaging 1600/day)
• I spent A LOT of money on my hair. Loved it...would I do it again? Maybe...
• I did shellac nails instead of acrylic. I will never go back. Never.

My 'treat meal' after this show was basically an entire loaf of bread toasted with honey and butter. I wanted sushi...but the show ended late and the sushi place was closed (and closed the next day, too). I also had a burger the next afternoon. 

I was back on prep the following Monday. My next show was in San Jose 3 weeks later, so I had to kick it into high gear. I cut my macros a little further, but kept cardio at around 20 min/day x6 days. With a 9 week prep, I felt a lot more confident with my condition:

 June 27. 2015 San Jose

• Cut calories further (averaging 1500 cal/day)

I re-qualified for NPC USAs at this show (which was my goal). This show was not as well orgainzed as most that I have done...the competitors meeting took 3 hours, my class didn't get on stage for pre-judging until 4, and we didn't get on stage for finals until midnight. I was DEAD. There was a Grateful Dead concert happening all day across the street from the venue, so we didn't get to leave all day and after the show ended, we had to hop to a few different Denny's to find one that didn't have an hour wait (at 2AM...). I got some skillet from Denny's and we drove home (got back at 4AM). 

I took a total break for three days after with Robbie for our anniversary:) We spent a day in Sausalito and then another day in San Francisco and there were LOTS of treats involved. I think we got a big breakfast every morning, burgers and ice cream in Sausalito, and crappy food truck food in San Francisco (not worth it..) and treats for the hotel room. 

I had three more weeks to prep for NPC USAs after that. I planned to drop about 3 pounds, which involved cutting my calories further and altering my cardio regimen. I dropped the weight and came in smaller than I ever have on stage. I actually felt super tiny...not my favorite...but I was lean. Hella lean. 

July 24-25. 2015 NPC USAs

• Curled my hair for the first time: probably not gonna do that again.
• TOTALLY changed my posing...a week before...but the changes were really good, I just need more time to practice.
• Fasted AM cardio 3x/week. LOW intensity 45 min. Fasted AM cardio 2x/week 20 min intervals, 25 min LOW intensity. I actually really enjoyed doing fasted cardio. A lot:)
• Cut macros (averaging 1450 cal/day)

I didn't place or get call-outs at this show. Honestly, it was disappointing...but I brought a better physique to USAs this year than last year, which is what my initial goal was, so I left happy about that. 

Unfortunately, I wasn't as careful with my treats following this show. Over three days I felt like I literally ate everything. We got thai food, cafe rio, and 11-course sushi meal (fun...but not worth it), HUGE breakfast (twice), Serendipity 3 (I would do that again...), burgers and fries, and ice cream...and it's entirely possible that I forgot something. It was a total food fest.

I didn't really hold back after that, either. I've had lower days, but mostly higher days until about 2 weeks ago (I am prepping for a competition...or a photoshoot...time will tell). I pretty much gained all my weight back from before my first show of the season...which wouldn't be a big deal, if I didn't know that the way that I regained it has been unhealthy. 

I was thinking about it earlier this weekend, and even when I was younger I had some issues with overeating and food addiction. I have never been overweight...but largely because I have always been active and somewhat attentive to nutrition. BUT I have also sat at my parents' counter and eaten through 2 packages of graham crackers and a liter of milk in one sitting, I spent one summer as a teen where I literally ate an entire box of mac and cheese every day as one meal, I would make quesadillas...with the whole pack of tortillas...and desserts (mainly at parties) have always been a major trigger for me. 

SO. After dealing with bingeing and some VERY intense feelings of guilt (and feeling phsyically toxic) I decided at the beginning of this week that I am going to kick my food addiction. 

I spent time thinking about how I can do this and came up with a few things:

1. IDENTIFYING TRIGGERS

I don't spend 100% of my day craving food, but there are days when I am in situations that make controlling my cravings much more difficult. For me some of the scenarios that are challenging for me are:

• Watching TV: for some reason this has evolved for me. I haven't always felt the need to eat while watching movies or TV, but at some point food connected to TV for me.
• Family dinner parties: my mom makes AWESOME dinner rolls...that is the 'initial trigger'...dinner parties are usually birthday celebrations, which means there is going to be cake and ice cream (which are wonderful and normal treats to have at parties). I have a tendancy to go for seconds, thirds, fourths, etc... not normal. 
• Invitation to restaurants with friends/family: this isn't always a trigger for me...but certain restaurants are, usually restaurants with really large portions.
• Traveling: I like trying top rated restaurants when I travel...normal. Trying ALL of them...not normal.

2. PLAN OF ATTACK

Life would not be as enjoyable if I were to eliminate my triggers. I enjoy watching movies, spending time with family, eating out, and traveling. If I were to avoid all of those things in order to avoid triggers, I would miss out on a lot of joyful memories that could be made. SO. I am not goint to eliminate my triggers. But, there are other things that can be done to help aleviate the temptations in those trigger scenarios:

• TV: limiting time spent watching TV (right now I am trying to keep it under 4 hrs/week). It is mostly a waste of time, anyhow. An occasional movie is more than enough.
• Family Parties: I have noticed that when I can see the food, it is a lot harder for me to control my portions. My family talks A LOT during dinner and the food is often left sitting on the table while we talk. I will likely need to request some help with this, but at family parties 'out of sight, out of mind' is extremely helpful, as well as putting my plate in the wash, so I can't keep filling it. 
• Restaurants: 1. Budget for eating out. Don't go over budget. 2. Save eating out for special occassions and planned date nights vs. eating out for 'convenience' or for not wanting to cook...it really isn't any more convenient most of the time.
• Traveling: luckily I don't travel too often, but when I do I think keeping to the restaurant guidelines will actually make the biggest difference. Hit up a grocery store and get some easy prep, normal meals...as for airplanes and traveling out of the country: 1. pack oats and protein/protien bars 2. Always fill plate with veggies and protein first (resort/buffet food) 

If I compete, it will be in 5 weeks. I don't want to put too much pressure on myself and go to crazy extremes to be ready, so if I don't feel prepared, I will extend my prep and do a photoshoot instead, and maybe another show, if there happens to be one near-ish when I am feeling ready. I am working on an exit plan from that to stay leaner and increase my calories to maintenance (a little bit higher...for the gainz) after I reach my goal (which is not a time goal, but a physique goal). 

Here is a litte timeline of this year's 'progress':

Weekly Comparison Photos (no, the lighting and angles are not all the same...)

Start of prep. NPC Utah vs. Start of peak week NPC Utah

One month comparison

One month comparison

Start of peak week NPC Utah vs. Start of peak week San Jose

Three month comparison

AND

Now-ish

Stress, Boredom, and Emotional Eating.

I have realized over the past year that I am not the exception to emotional eating. I used to be one who would NOT eat when I was feeling upset, but since I started competing, food has become more of a comfort to me when I am feeling low than ever before. There are lots of days that I feel like I am very close to being in full-blown disordered eating (eating disorders are not exclusive to a caloric defecit or purging...binge eating is also considered disordered eating).

After my last show, this has been the biggest challenge for me. I binge...and when I binge I binge like there is no tomorrow. I eat until I feel ill, and then I eat more. I am not entirely sure why I do it, but I am completely aware of it from the second the binge starts. I know what I am doing. I want to stop, but I can't. It has been almost 8 months since I was on stage, and for probably 2-3 months I was close to 20 lb. over my stage weight. NOT a healthy 20 lb. More like a 'I'm gonna eat straight junk (whole packages of oreos, party size bags of tootsie pops, tootsie rolls, and dots, whole boxes of pop tarts, etc.). And I have not felt good about myself. I have been uncomfortable in my clothes and in my own skin.

I do consider myself lucky to have only peaked at 20 lb. over stage weight with the way I was eating (but in a way I would attribute it not entirely to luck, but partially to awareness and knowledge...and guilt...). If I were not aware of the damage I was doing and let it take complete control of me, I would be far worse off. I don't feel like I have completely destroyed my metabolic capacity (although, leaning out has already proven to be more difficult this year than last). For this, I really think I am lucky.

Over the past couple of months I have started to come to the realization that a lot of my binges came from emotional stresses and boredom: a very poisonous combination. I get stressed and then I have too much time to wallow in my stresses...and fill them with comfort food. And it works...until the next morning when I wake up and regret what I did...by midafternoon the cycle is in repeat because the guilt and regret only adds to the stress that was already there. It takes an immense amount of energy to battle the desire to turn to comfort food...and sometimes I actually do put in the effort. And sometimes I don't.

I was planning on blogging and vlogging my contest prep leading up to a competition that was only two days ago. I gave up. I let myself binge too many times, and then I let myself believe that I couldn't do it. I went to watch the show to support some friends who were competing, and it was a blast! But, I wasn't on stage...and really, I am okay with it. I want to make sure that I am really ready to start preparing for a competition before I commit to one. I want to make sure that I feel mentally ready even more than I might feel physically ready.

I think I am getting close, but there are days that just hammer me. They make me feel like giving up and just letting everything crash. Today has been one of those days. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I keep thinking about the bottle of jelly beans in my car trunk...but I want to be strong today, so I decided to write a post. One that I am sure many people can relate to...or at least that is what I want to believe.

If there is any real advice I think I could offer to anyone who might be faced with the challenge of binging or emotional eating, it would be this: don't try to do it alone. Talk to a friend or a counselor about it. Talk to me about it :) I am happy to share my experiences :)

Contest Prep 2015: Check-in

It has been a couple of weeks since my last post, and a few things have happened. I am not planning on doing the March show anymore. I was feeling like my prep was too aggresive for me mentally and it was getting to my head. I am still in prep, but I am going to plan on a later show, to relieve some of the stress I was feeling. It's pretty crazy that a specific deadline can cause so much stress. I am thinking about doing a show in April, but I probably wont commit until the middle of March.

I was leaning out pretty well for the March show, but had a few slip-ups (and when I say slip-up...it was more like all-out self sabotage). I am disappointed in myself for not sticking to my plan better, but I don't feel terrible. I enjoyed myself with friends and family, and it is good for me to be able to do that sometimes:) As I continue with prep, I am going to plan better for family gatherings and nights out with friends. Future social meals will fit my macros, so I don't feel guilty or set myself back in social situations.

I have changed my meals a little bit, but am doing a more flexible approach than I had planned before. There are days that I just don't feel like eating the meals that I have planned, and on those days I am going to make my meals fit my macros (same thing with social eating...save macros on those days). When I am enjoying and looking forward to the food I get to eat, it is a lot easier to stick to my plan. My macros are 162/162/40 (1656 cal.) right now, and once I feel like I am at a comfortable place with leaning out, I will start to trade some of my protein macros for carb macros and increase macros from there. I am still dieting lower than I hae before, so I want to increase my calories during contest prep. If I can do that, I will be able to avoid a rebound and just stick with increasing macros post-contsest.

I feel stronger. My squats have improved and I am feeling like I am getting my form back to where it should be. My chest has gotten stronger, which really feels great after two years of never lifting chest (I was told it would look too 'masculine'...it really doesn't look different unless I flex...so...). Shoulders are still my favorite, but I have been having a hard time enjoying back as much as I used to...it's weird.

I still don't love cardio, but intervals are seriously the way to go. Sprints seem to pass so much faster than steady-state. I have also been doing more with the step mill, again. Usually just speed intervals, but I monitor the intensity with my HR monitor. Right now for my intervals I am doing 1 minute work intervals with 2 minute recovery intervals.

I have been spending more time in the sunshine, and I am loving it:) It has felt like spring outside for almost two weeks now, and for February in Utah it is unusually warm. My dogs and I are loving it and taking full advantage of the beautiful weather:) I have even been thinking about running in the mornings (I just have to start waking up a bit earlier...haha). That's my news ;) I will check in again in a week!

Bikini Prep 2015: Starting Point and Keeping Perspective

I have officially been 'prepping' for my upcoming contest for 4 days, and yesterday was exactly 7 weeks out from stage day. My abs have already started to tighten up and I am feeling really good about this prep:)

These are my 'before' pics:

I know it's not the best lighting and not a full-length progress pic...but I always carry most of my 'excess' weight in my mid-section and lower back, so I am more concerned with how that is changing, anyway. 

Moving on...I was in the locker room the other day and I overheard three girls talking about the upcoming show, two of which said they would be competing. These girls were beautiful. Both were already fairly lean and one had put her suit on for posing practice. Initially, it was a little bit discouraging to see that she was already so prepared to hit the stage. I was disappointed and jealous that I am not at that point [yet].

Not comparing myself to other girls is a challenge for me, regardless of it being on stage or just on the streets. Luckily, I don't have too much trouble admitting it (which is a start to just letting it go...hopefully:)). 

I left the gym thinking about her, but I was quick to remind myself that I don't do this to compete with other girls. I do this to compete with myself. It's about the work that I put in for me. It's about enjoying myself on-stage and making connections backstage with other girls who share my passion for fitness. 

I am feeling good about my sprints. I may have to back off of them just a little bit, to avoid shin-splints...but that's cool. I will most likely do some incline intervals or stair master intervals on the days that I am not sprinting. 

I am definitely starting to feel hungry. I have mainly noticed my hunger at night, but I have really been enjoying my meals and don't feel like I will need to change them yet.

Overall, I am still feeling confident about this prep:)

2015 Bikini Contest Prep

In October I was about 20 pounds over my most recent stage weight. Luckily I have a pretty healthy metabolism, and have been able to bring my weight back to a more comfortable ten pounds over.

Just last night I decided that I am going to commit to a competition that is coming up quickly. I have 7 weeks to prepare for my contest and feel confident that I can be ready with the proper preparation. For this competition prep, I would like to share everything I am doing with the internet :) Meals, workouts, and other contest prep thoughts.

I am starting my meal plan on a bit lower calories than I have in the past, mainly because I have a shorter timespan to prepare...and I don't want to do as much cardio (because cardio is the pits). This is my current meal plan:

AND:

1 gallon water

2 scoops scivation BCAAs

1000 iu Vitamin Shoppe Chewy Vitamin D3

VitaFusion MultiVites Daily Mutlivitamin 

1200mg Kirkland Calcium + D3

2000 mg Kirkland Chewable Vitamin C

Probiotic capsule

2 tsp Lemon Zest Omega Swirl Fish Oil

Now, I am a complete believer in IIFYM, and over the past few months I have definitely enjoyed A LOT of treats and meals out fitting [most of] them into my macros; however, in contest prep I generally choose not to eat out as frequently in order to keep my measurements more accurate (because most places aren't going to weight all the items and ingredients in your meals for you). I also like to eat more whole foods during contest prep, because if there are fewer ingredients, there are fewer variables to effect your macros (for example...my quest bar has relatively accurate nutritional information on the back, but who is to say that it is mixed exactly to the ratios listed on the back?...but, also I am obviously allowing myself a tiny bit of flexibility with my protein powder, bread, quest bars, and turkey burgers).  

*I may swap them for egg whites, ground turkey, and rice or sweet potato as I get closer to contest to simplify my diet further.*

I don't usually eat until around 10:00 AM and try to stop eating between 8-10:00 PM. I usually try to get to the gym between 12:00-2:00 PM and lift for about an hour and a half. My split is currently: 

Monday: Legs with quad emphasis

Tuesday: Chest and Arms

Wednesday: Shoulders and Back

Thursday: Legs with hamstring emphasis

Friday: Arms and Chest

Saturday: Back and Shoulders

I usually throw in some calves after legs...but only really when my brother talks me into it. I hate [working out] abs...so I rarely do isolation work for abs (but I probably will start adding them in once a week...maybe). 

This week, I am doing twenty minutes of post-lift cardio in sprint intervals. The treadmills have cool images of a track on them so I use that to determine my intervals. My sprint intervals are the length of the track and I walk the curves. Today I did 5 min warm up walking and 15 minutes of intervals. My watch said I burned 177 calories, the machine said I burned 260 (my watch should be more accurate). 

I started taking circumfrence measurements a couple of weeks ago, and Fridays are my designated measurement/progress picture days (so I will do them again tomorrow...and probably post as my 'before' pictures).

I sleep a lot. I do need to make my hours more consistent, but I definitely get enough sleep...generally I feel pretty good with 9 hours/night.

That's my plan currently. Hope you guys enjoy following my contest prep:)