DIETARY FREEDOM.

Here I am again. Not ready for the contest that is in a few short weeks...but you know what? IGAF (indirect translation: I don't give a hoot...) As I mentioned in my last post, I am totally happy with my body and my diet for maybe the first time in my life.

It is so incredibly freeing to feel like food doesn't control me. Do I have a six-pack? Well, yes...but you can't see it. And I am cool with it...because I feel really healthy. I have energy. I get to enjoy eating with friends and family. I don't feel like I have to say no to treats. I don't schedule my meals to be every two hours...because my life is not scheduled in 2 hour increments. My meals actually feel like meals...which is actually far more satiating, regardless of calories.

Does that mean I eat whatever and whenever I want to? Nope. Sometimes I still say no to treats because I still have goals. I listen to my body better and I know pretty well what foods I should avoid...because, even though I don't think anyone should label foods as 'good' or 'bad' foods...there are foods that are bad FOR ME.

Trigger foods. Foods that are catalysts to bad dietary decisions. Foods that trigger an emotional response (that for me can turn very quickly into binging).  I try to be careful with those foods. I do my best not to indulge in them if I am having a bad day.  They are foods that I probably shouldn't keep in my house (but I am human...and sometimes I fall prey to the temptation...or I shop hungry and I make more unhealthy decisions).  Trigger foods are not the same for everyone.

Food is not the enemy. Food is a thing. Food is food. Sometimes fuel for just living day to day. Sometimes fuel for intense exercise. Sometimes fuel for the soul. 

I work with men and women who somewhere along the line developed a misunderstanding of what food is and what it can do FOR them. Eating has been so demonized in so many ways. 'Too much fat will make you fat'. 'Sugar will give you diabetes'. 'Bread is bad for you'. 'GMO will give you cancer'. 'If you can't pronounce the ingredient, don't eat it'. BLAH BLAH BLAH. It is CONFUSING.

Nutrition does not need to be confusing. YES. There is some validity in many of those statements...but people don't know why or under what circumstances the statements are valid...so starts the pattern of eating no fat, no sugar, no bread, no gmo food, nothing processed, and whatever other stupid thing that is trending. If you cut those things out...what is left? Ah. You have the internet's permission to drink water. ALLLL the water.  And veggies. And grass fed-free range meat. Unless you are 'ethical'. Then no meat...#vegan #whatthehealth (ALSO BULLSHIT). SO veggies and water #ftw.

Good luck ever feeling satisfied...or remotely happy when all you tell yourself you should be eating is cardboard washed down with a glass of water. GUYS YOU CAN'T DO THIS...seriously. What happens on the weekends after you've managed to stick to it all week? You eat every single thing. EVERY. SINGLE. THING. And then you feel guilt. And so you smother the feeling by eating more. RIGHT? But Monday rolls around and you can 'be good' again. THIS IS NOT DIETARY FREEDOM. It is a prison and the guards look a lot like a box of doughnuts.

And you know what? I have fallen for nearly [every. single. one.] of these trends. I have tried them all. And there are things that I have learned from trying them. BUT none of them worked. ZERO of them offered me the balance that I needed to have dietary freedom. I never felt in control of food or my ability to choose, until I let go of the 'rules'.

The only rule I have now is this: I DECIDE TO EAT. I decide to eat fresh veggies. I decide to eat fruit. I decide to drink soda. I decide to eat cookies. I decide to eat ice cream. I decide to have a diet soda. WHATEVER. As long as I am aware of my choices and take two seconds to be mindful about my choices I HAVE THE CONTROL. And I choose better. And sometimes I choose to feel a little extra full because I went out and had a burger and it put my calories up by 500 or whatever. IT WAS MY CHOICE. It might slow down some weight loss...I might even gain a pound (but I will know that before making the decision...and I know that I have nobody and nothing to blame for enjoying myself...and I can always choose to eat half of the burger or get no burger and visit...because I DECIDE).

This is how I approach nutrition with my clients. NO QUICK FIX.  I want my clients to learn how to adjust perspectives and trust that they know themselves better than anyone else ever will.  Dietary guidance is secondary.

If you want to change, you have to believe that you have the ability to change and be empowered to take control of the one thing you can...YOUR CHOICES.


I will do an actual contest prep update sometime...because it's still a goal;) Just not one that I am willing to sacrifice balance and happiness for.

2016 Recap and 2017 Plans: 10.5-ish Week Contest Prep

I have obviously been absent from the blog for...almost a year. Without going into too much detail, last year ended up being full of change. New business endeavors, moving, lots of family stuff...just overall full of change. I don't have any regrets about not getting on stage last year outside of hiring a coach that I REALLY didn't work well with (message me if you have questions about hiring coaches. I have worked with some big teams that are really really really not worth your money or time).

Super quick recap of the past year:

Around July I switched my mindset to going purely for some big strength goals. I pulled a 315# deadlift for the first time during the summer and decided to chase 400# more seriously along with goals for a 250# squat and 200# overhead. Getting strong requires energy, so I decided to give my body more than enough (just in case) and spent a few months in a caloric surplus (around 4000 calories/day). I pulled my 400# deadlift and my bodyweight hit a personal high at 169# in December when I made a commitment to compete in a weightlifting meet (after 3 years of coercion from my weightlifting coach, Scott). 

I took a break from my powerlifting-bodybuilding type training and focused on weightlifting for 4 weeks and I missed my 'normal' training SO MUCH. The meet was fun and I got a PR of 198# overhead (just need the 2# now. Silly me) on the CJ and a decent snatch (my snatch is weak in comparison). 

Since the meet, I have been working on bringing my calories down to a comfortable level for cutting, while keeping them as high as I can. I weighed in at 162.2# this morning (so a VERY slight drop from the meet) and I am eating roughly 2500 calories/day and feeling optimistic about prepping for the stage:)

2017 PLANS:

Fitcon at the end of April (10.5 weeks) is the goal right now; however, it is going to be very dependent on how my body responds to cutting. 10.5 weeks is A LOT less time that I would like to have given myself...but I am dumb sometimes. I don't want to drop my calories below 1900 and I am estimating that I need to drop roughly 25-30 pounds to be ready for the stage. It's a very rapid and aggressive weight loss, so I am not entirely sure it will happen.

I know that I want to compete in two local shows to requalify for nationals in bikini and again to give figure a test run. The show in June should be easily within reach, I just have to decide which division to compete in. 

USAs are in July in Vegas, and I am hoping to compete nationally there (not counting my chickens...). 

After my shows, I would like to prep and compete in a powerlifting meet in the fall. I have gone to a handful of meets over the past few months and the atmosphere is so fun. It's full of energy and everyone is so positive and encouraging. 

CONTEST PREP:

I am only a few days in, so there really hasn't been much change at this point. I spent the last 2 weeks just tracking and trying not to eat like a complete dummy so I have a good idea of where to start cutting. I took my starting photos and measurements this morning:

R Thigh (10 inches below anterior iliac crest): 22"

L Thigh (10 inches below AIC): 21.5"

Hips (widest, most saddle-baggy circumference): 41.75"

Belly Button: 31.75"

True Waist (small of the waist/most narrow circumference): 28.5"

Under Bust (just under the boobs): 30.25"

R Arm (relaxed): 12.75"

L Arm (relaxed): 13"

There are a few things that I am hoping to do differently during this contest prep:

Nutrition/Diet

I have been listening to and reading articles by a biologist, Ray Peat, who has done more than half a century of research on how to optimize metabolic function by optimizing thyroid function and minimizing inflammation in the body. His approach is very very unorthodox, especially in the fitness industry. I want to go over more of the details in future blogs with how my nutrition will be different while following his guidelines, but for now I will just say there are some strange things, and I don't plan on being 100% compliant to his philosophy during the next 10.5 weeks, but probably at least 80% and whatever else is flexible will still fit with the flexible dieting philosophy (which I will also write more about in the future). 

Cardio

I have already started implementing cardio on a daily basis, but it's a little bit hard to even call it that right now. This week has been 10 minutes max of walking on a treadmill, although yesterday I did about 8 minutes of some high intensity work. I have never and probably will never actually like cardio, so the plan is to keep it minimal and low intensity steady-state for as long as possible. As soon as the weather is nice enough (for my personal comfort) I want to start walking in the mornings. It's a great way for me to get some calorie burn and I love to listen to audiobooks (I will share what I am listening to!) and get my brain working and start the day. 

Everything else is just fine-tuning. I will share more about my meals and workouts (I post a lot of them on other social media platforms...instagram, FB, and twitter).  

I have been working on switching up a few things with posing, but will definitely be focusing on getting figure posing in a more comfortable place. 

New suits are happening again this year, and possibly a new hair color again. I have colors in mind, but I like to keep them as a surprise:) 

I am hoping to blog and possibly vlog (I hate hearing myself talk...plus I am shit at editing) often during the next 10.5 weeks (hopefully at least 2x weekly). So stay tuned!

Contest Season 2016 Check-in #1

It's that time of year again. It's getting warmer outside and contests are being held more frequently. I have taken about 7.5 months to build and I have loved it. Lifting heavy feels really good. So good that the transition into the cutting season hasn't sounded as appealing as it usually does.

During the past 7.5 months I have felt pretty good about my figure, even weighing 20+ lbs. over my stage weight. I still would like to moderate that gain a little bit better following this contest season, but I was able to go through most of the improvement season without trying to diet back down again every other week. I just ate. A lot. I ate a lot of treats and foods that I love (which wont change all that much during prep, just the amounts).

I started cutting back my calories and measuring my food more carefully about a week ago. I have seen some good changes so far, and I am excited to see what the off season has done as I shed some body fat. I am hoping to get my body composition tested in the BodPod sometime soon, to compare to last year's test and get some idea of what my lean muscle changes are.

I will be working with a coach this season, and he may change my plan completely from what I have started with...which might not be terrible enjoyable in the beginning, but I am determined to do what he says and see what I can achieve...and I trust that he can help me reach my highest potential, so I am looking forward to the season with him.

Here are my starting progress pictures and stats:)

March 13.2016          140.9#

1800 cal. 150 p 183 c 52 f

Improvement Season 2015-2016

It's been a little rough post-comp (again). I put on more body fat than I wanted to (again),  BUT there is a difference this year. I actually feel okay with it. I have been focusing more on just getting stronger while I enjoy treats and meals that satisfy my foodie side. It has been fun, I definitely feel stronger and on top of that, more sane about my off season than I have in the past (progress comes in many different forms...that is a big one for me).

I am still thinking about when I will compete this year, and it is looking like I will be competing in May or June to re-qualify for NPC USAs at the end of July. I have a handful of goals...and the most important one for me this year actually has nothing to do with how I place at my competitions. I want to spend more time moderating my post season. Don't gain as much body fat post-competition. Feel more comfortable in my skin all year long. Placing at USAs is the follow-up goal...so still pretty important, but not #1.

My off season body is holding at about 145#...which is about 10# above my 'I still feel hot, but can maintain this' body...lol. I haven't started an official contest prep, so my weight fluctuates a couple of pounds when I feel like having a little extra at family dinners or parties...no biggie, especially because I expect the weight jump the next morning. I am planning on starting contest prep in the next 2-4 weeks, and when I do  I will make more regular posts with progress pictures (not my favorite thing to share right now...but it's real...so I will).

Also, I am working on my youtube channel quite a bit more now.  I am mostly posting videos with instruction and tips for my clients, but as things get going with prep, I will update on there with prep too!

Before, After, After-after...

*Preface*
This will be a long post, but it's an overview of what this whole season has been like for me:) If you want to know anything else about the season, ask! I am sure I'll left things out:)

I've been a little bit MIA lately. On top of competition prep(s), I started a new job a few months ago and have also been in the process of buying a home with my husband...all in all, my brain and priorities have been elsewhere. But, I thought I would throw out a new post:) Just a little updater:

I FINALLY got myself into a good place to be in competition prep around the middle of April; however, it turned out to be a bit of a crunch when my eight week prep turned into a six-week prep (I thought my show was going to be later than it actually was). This turned out to be the shortest prep I have ever done. It was a little bit stressful, but I managed to get on stage feeling pretty good, especially for such a short prep:

June 6. 2015 NPC Utah

This was definitely the least conditioned I have been for a show, but I placed and it turned out to be a good 'warm up' show for the rest of the summer. A few things that were different during this prep:

• no more than 20 minutes/day x5 days of cardio (and really, that much was probably only the last three weeks or so)
• lower caloric intake (averaging 1600/day)
• I spent A LOT of money on my hair. Loved it...would I do it again? Maybe...
• I did shellac nails instead of acrylic. I will never go back. Never.

My 'treat meal' after this show was basically an entire loaf of bread toasted with honey and butter. I wanted sushi...but the show ended late and the sushi place was closed (and closed the next day, too). I also had a burger the next afternoon. 

I was back on prep the following Monday. My next show was in San Jose 3 weeks later, so I had to kick it into high gear. I cut my macros a little further, but kept cardio at around 20 min/day x6 days. With a 9 week prep, I felt a lot more confident with my condition:

 June 27. 2015 San Jose

• Cut calories further (averaging 1500 cal/day)

I re-qualified for NPC USAs at this show (which was my goal). This show was not as well orgainzed as most that I have done...the competitors meeting took 3 hours, my class didn't get on stage for pre-judging until 4, and we didn't get on stage for finals until midnight. I was DEAD. There was a Grateful Dead concert happening all day across the street from the venue, so we didn't get to leave all day and after the show ended, we had to hop to a few different Denny's to find one that didn't have an hour wait (at 2AM...). I got some skillet from Denny's and we drove home (got back at 4AM). 

I took a total break for three days after with Robbie for our anniversary:) We spent a day in Sausalito and then another day in San Francisco and there were LOTS of treats involved. I think we got a big breakfast every morning, burgers and ice cream in Sausalito, and crappy food truck food in San Francisco (not worth it..) and treats for the hotel room. 

I had three more weeks to prep for NPC USAs after that. I planned to drop about 3 pounds, which involved cutting my calories further and altering my cardio regimen. I dropped the weight and came in smaller than I ever have on stage. I actually felt super tiny...not my favorite...but I was lean. Hella lean. 

July 24-25. 2015 NPC USAs

• Curled my hair for the first time: probably not gonna do that again.
• TOTALLY changed my posing...a week before...but the changes were really good, I just need more time to practice.
• Fasted AM cardio 3x/week. LOW intensity 45 min. Fasted AM cardio 2x/week 20 min intervals, 25 min LOW intensity. I actually really enjoyed doing fasted cardio. A lot:)
• Cut macros (averaging 1450 cal/day)

I didn't place or get call-outs at this show. Honestly, it was disappointing...but I brought a better physique to USAs this year than last year, which is what my initial goal was, so I left happy about that. 

Unfortunately, I wasn't as careful with my treats following this show. Over three days I felt like I literally ate everything. We got thai food, cafe rio, and 11-course sushi meal (fun...but not worth it), HUGE breakfast (twice), Serendipity 3 (I would do that again...), burgers and fries, and ice cream...and it's entirely possible that I forgot something. It was a total food fest.

I didn't really hold back after that, either. I've had lower days, but mostly higher days until about 2 weeks ago (I am prepping for a competition...or a photoshoot...time will tell). I pretty much gained all my weight back from before my first show of the season...which wouldn't be a big deal, if I didn't know that the way that I regained it has been unhealthy. 

I was thinking about it earlier this weekend, and even when I was younger I had some issues with overeating and food addiction. I have never been overweight...but largely because I have always been active and somewhat attentive to nutrition. BUT I have also sat at my parents' counter and eaten through 2 packages of graham crackers and a liter of milk in one sitting, I spent one summer as a teen where I literally ate an entire box of mac and cheese every day as one meal, I would make quesadillas...with the whole pack of tortillas...and desserts (mainly at parties) have always been a major trigger for me. 

SO. After dealing with bingeing and some VERY intense feelings of guilt (and feeling phsyically toxic) I decided at the beginning of this week that I am going to kick my food addiction. 

I spent time thinking about how I can do this and came up with a few things:

1. IDENTIFYING TRIGGERS

I don't spend 100% of my day craving food, but there are days when I am in situations that make controlling my cravings much more difficult. For me some of the scenarios that are challenging for me are:

• Watching TV: for some reason this has evolved for me. I haven't always felt the need to eat while watching movies or TV, but at some point food connected to TV for me.
• Family dinner parties: my mom makes AWESOME dinner rolls...that is the 'initial trigger'...dinner parties are usually birthday celebrations, which means there is going to be cake and ice cream (which are wonderful and normal treats to have at parties). I have a tendancy to go for seconds, thirds, fourths, etc... not normal. 
• Invitation to restaurants with friends/family: this isn't always a trigger for me...but certain restaurants are, usually restaurants with really large portions.
• Traveling: I like trying top rated restaurants when I travel...normal. Trying ALL of them...not normal.

2. PLAN OF ATTACK

Life would not be as enjoyable if I were to eliminate my triggers. I enjoy watching movies, spending time with family, eating out, and traveling. If I were to avoid all of those things in order to avoid triggers, I would miss out on a lot of joyful memories that could be made. SO. I am not goint to eliminate my triggers. But, there are other things that can be done to help aleviate the temptations in those trigger scenarios:

• TV: limiting time spent watching TV (right now I am trying to keep it under 4 hrs/week). It is mostly a waste of time, anyhow. An occasional movie is more than enough.
• Family Parties: I have noticed that when I can see the food, it is a lot harder for me to control my portions. My family talks A LOT during dinner and the food is often left sitting on the table while we talk. I will likely need to request some help with this, but at family parties 'out of sight, out of mind' is extremely helpful, as well as putting my plate in the wash, so I can't keep filling it. 
• Restaurants: 1. Budget for eating out. Don't go over budget. 2. Save eating out for special occassions and planned date nights vs. eating out for 'convenience' or for not wanting to cook...it really isn't any more convenient most of the time.
• Traveling: luckily I don't travel too often, but when I do I think keeping to the restaurant guidelines will actually make the biggest difference. Hit up a grocery store and get some easy prep, normal meals...as for airplanes and traveling out of the country: 1. pack oats and protein/protien bars 2. Always fill plate with veggies and protein first (resort/buffet food) 

If I compete, it will be in 5 weeks. I don't want to put too much pressure on myself and go to crazy extremes to be ready, so if I don't feel prepared, I will extend my prep and do a photoshoot instead, and maybe another show, if there happens to be one near-ish when I am feeling ready. I am working on an exit plan from that to stay leaner and increase my calories to maintenance (a little bit higher...for the gainz) after I reach my goal (which is not a time goal, but a physique goal). 

Here is a litte timeline of this year's 'progress':

Weekly Comparison Photos (no, the lighting and angles are not all the same...)

Start of prep. NPC Utah vs. Start of peak week NPC Utah

One month comparison

One month comparison

Start of peak week NPC Utah vs. Start of peak week San Jose

Three month comparison

AND

Now-ish

Stress, Boredom, and Emotional Eating.

I have realized over the past year that I am not the exception to emotional eating. I used to be one who would NOT eat when I was feeling upset, but since I started competing, food has become more of a comfort to me when I am feeling low than ever before. There are lots of days that I feel like I am very close to being in full-blown disordered eating (eating disorders are not exclusive to a caloric defecit or purging...binge eating is also considered disordered eating).

After my last show, this has been the biggest challenge for me. I binge...and when I binge I binge like there is no tomorrow. I eat until I feel ill, and then I eat more. I am not entirely sure why I do it, but I am completely aware of it from the second the binge starts. I know what I am doing. I want to stop, but I can't. It has been almost 8 months since I was on stage, and for probably 2-3 months I was close to 20 lb. over my stage weight. NOT a healthy 20 lb. More like a 'I'm gonna eat straight junk (whole packages of oreos, party size bags of tootsie pops, tootsie rolls, and dots, whole boxes of pop tarts, etc.). And I have not felt good about myself. I have been uncomfortable in my clothes and in my own skin.

I do consider myself lucky to have only peaked at 20 lb. over stage weight with the way I was eating (but in a way I would attribute it not entirely to luck, but partially to awareness and knowledge...and guilt...). If I were not aware of the damage I was doing and let it take complete control of me, I would be far worse off. I don't feel like I have completely destroyed my metabolic capacity (although, leaning out has already proven to be more difficult this year than last). For this, I really think I am lucky.

Over the past couple of months I have started to come to the realization that a lot of my binges came from emotional stresses and boredom: a very poisonous combination. I get stressed and then I have too much time to wallow in my stresses...and fill them with comfort food. And it works...until the next morning when I wake up and regret what I did...by midafternoon the cycle is in repeat because the guilt and regret only adds to the stress that was already there. It takes an immense amount of energy to battle the desire to turn to comfort food...and sometimes I actually do put in the effort. And sometimes I don't.

I was planning on blogging and vlogging my contest prep leading up to a competition that was only two days ago. I gave up. I let myself binge too many times, and then I let myself believe that I couldn't do it. I went to watch the show to support some friends who were competing, and it was a blast! But, I wasn't on stage...and really, I am okay with it. I want to make sure that I am really ready to start preparing for a competition before I commit to one. I want to make sure that I feel mentally ready even more than I might feel physically ready.

I think I am getting close, but there are days that just hammer me. They make me feel like giving up and just letting everything crash. Today has been one of those days. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I keep thinking about the bottle of jelly beans in my car trunk...but I want to be strong today, so I decided to write a post. One that I am sure many people can relate to...or at least that is what I want to believe.

If there is any real advice I think I could offer to anyone who might be faced with the challenge of binging or emotional eating, it would be this: don't try to do it alone. Talk to a friend or a counselor about it. Talk to me about it :) I am happy to share my experiences :)

Contest Prep 2015: Check-in

It has been a couple of weeks since my last post, and a few things have happened. I am not planning on doing the March show anymore. I was feeling like my prep was too aggresive for me mentally and it was getting to my head. I am still in prep, but I am going to plan on a later show, to relieve some of the stress I was feeling. It's pretty crazy that a specific deadline can cause so much stress. I am thinking about doing a show in April, but I probably wont commit until the middle of March.

I was leaning out pretty well for the March show, but had a few slip-ups (and when I say slip-up...it was more like all-out self sabotage). I am disappointed in myself for not sticking to my plan better, but I don't feel terrible. I enjoyed myself with friends and family, and it is good for me to be able to do that sometimes:) As I continue with prep, I am going to plan better for family gatherings and nights out with friends. Future social meals will fit my macros, so I don't feel guilty or set myself back in social situations.

I have changed my meals a little bit, but am doing a more flexible approach than I had planned before. There are days that I just don't feel like eating the meals that I have planned, and on those days I am going to make my meals fit my macros (same thing with social eating...save macros on those days). When I am enjoying and looking forward to the food I get to eat, it is a lot easier to stick to my plan. My macros are 162/162/40 (1656 cal.) right now, and once I feel like I am at a comfortable place with leaning out, I will start to trade some of my protein macros for carb macros and increase macros from there. I am still dieting lower than I hae before, so I want to increase my calories during contest prep. If I can do that, I will be able to avoid a rebound and just stick with increasing macros post-contsest.

I feel stronger. My squats have improved and I am feeling like I am getting my form back to where it should be. My chest has gotten stronger, which really feels great after two years of never lifting chest (I was told it would look too 'masculine'...it really doesn't look different unless I flex...so...). Shoulders are still my favorite, but I have been having a hard time enjoying back as much as I used to...it's weird.

I still don't love cardio, but intervals are seriously the way to go. Sprints seem to pass so much faster than steady-state. I have also been doing more with the step mill, again. Usually just speed intervals, but I monitor the intensity with my HR monitor. Right now for my intervals I am doing 1 minute work intervals with 2 minute recovery intervals.

I have been spending more time in the sunshine, and I am loving it:) It has felt like spring outside for almost two weeks now, and for February in Utah it is unusually warm. My dogs and I are loving it and taking full advantage of the beautiful weather:) I have even been thinking about running in the mornings (I just have to start waking up a bit earlier...haha). That's my news ;) I will check in again in a week!